How to manage people born on Tuesday

According to a fairly recent study available on the prestigious search engine Google, more babies are born on Tuesday than on any other day. “Morries” make up a huge percentage of America’s workforce. While it’s important to avoid stereotypes, Morries are lazy and entitled job hoppers who tend to have facial piercings, explosive cackles, and a peculiar affinity for microwave-reheated brussels sprouts. Managed poorly, they will erode morale and productivity at your workplace and ultimately destroy the global economy. A few simple guidelines can help harness Morries and stave off financial disaster.

1. Adopt clear anti-dayist policies

Holidays tend to fall on Mondays; the fun stuff happens on Fridays. Wednesday is hump day, and Thursday is practically Friday. Find ways to enliven the most neglected day of the week with hackathons or competitive gluten-free bake-offs.

2. Provide creative compensation

Some say Morries don’t care about money. Not true! They are human, after all. Money talks. But so does telecommuting, not to mention gym discounts and cafeteria coupons.

3. Offer a clear path to the See Suite

Sure, Morries care about promotions and titles. But what they really like is a window. They flourish in natural light.

4. Encourage mobility

Morries tend to be restless–hence their reputation for frequently changing jobs. Laptops and smartphones will give them the illusion of mobility while keeping them tethered.

5. Feed them

Morries are notoriously adventuresome. They’re crazy about glamping, and they like to experiment with new foods. Make sure your cafeteria salad bar includes quinoa, avocado spread, and, of course, lots of roasted brussels sprouts.

6. Adopt internal messaging platforms

Morries prefer Slack to email and overcompensate for having been born on the most boring day by relying heavily on the dancing banana emoji.

7. Create a strong culture

More than anything, Morries want to feel part of a meaningful, larger mission. Without it, they’ll walk. Consider pivoting your company to a new line of business that aligns more philosophically with the Morries on your staff. And their dogs, too.