The biggest mistake to avoid when your coworker is grieving—and what to do instead
By Mita Mallick
“How did he die? Was it a heart attack? Do you know when he died? Did you do an autopsy?”
Three weeks after my father died suddenly six years ago, I was back at work. I was trying to stay busy, trying to find some sense of a “new normal,” trying to start this next chapter of my life without my dad in it. And in my very first interaction back in the office with my boss at the time, he inundated me with questions. He wouldn’t stop asking me how my dad had died, wanting all the details.
I didn’t want to answer any of his questions. And yet because I felt so exhausted by the grief I was experiencing, I relented. I sat there addressing his questions one by one. And as I provided those answers, I was reexperiencing the trauma of my dad’s death.
This is one of the biggest mistakes we make when trying to support coworkers who just lost someone they love: asking them how the person died. No matter how curious you are, this is not the time to become an investigative journalist. There’s no reason to follow the “I’m so sorry for your loss” with “How did she die?”
If we want to genuinely support coworkers who are grieving the loss of a loved one, let’s move on from our curiosity of how they passed away. When and if a coworker is ready to share how they lost their loved one, they will share with you. Instead start by focusing on these three ways to help support their grieving journey:
1. Give them the time they need.
When my dad died suddenly, I took three weeks of leave. While my company at the time had only a three-day bereavement leave policy, my team rallied around me to give me the time I needed. After my experience and the experience of others, the company then began offering four weeks of bereavement leave.
Even if your company’s bereavement leave policy doesn’t allow for much time off, as a leader, you can do the right thing and give extra time to your grieving team member. You don’t need an employee handbook to tell you to do the right thing in an employee’s time of need. And as a coworker, you can offer to cover projects, attend meetings, and stay on track for deadlines on their behalf.
Remember that loss comes in many forms, and we define who is part of our family in many different ways. Suspend judgment and questions; give them the time they need to get affairs in order and start the healing process.
2. Show up with support.
I remember a friend losing a parent, and a leader at her company texting her nonstop asking her what sorts of meals her family liked. “Do you eat pasta?” The next day after her text went unanswered, “Do you like pizza? Are you vegetarian?” And finally, “I was trying to be helpful and send some meals, but I haven’t heard back. Should I just send a fruit basket instead?” My friend felt overwhelmed by the texts, then felt guilty. Because amid dealing with funeral arrangements and hosting family members, she felt pressured to respond to the leader’s texts on her and her family’s food preferences.
Sometimes, we just need to show up with support when someone is grieving. Don’t continue to reach out to the person grieving asking for a response. They probably received your message and aren’t able to respond to you yet for a variety of reasons. Give them the space to respond when they are ready.
If you do want to send meals, ask others if they know of any dietary restrictions. When in doubt send a DoorDash or UberEats gift card, or a gift card to a local restaurant. You can offer to watch someone’s children, walk their dog, have coffee and bagels delivered to their home, send flowers to the funeral home, or send a card. Whatever support you show will be appreciated and remembered, even if they don’t take you up on your offer to help.
3. Continue to check in.
Several weeks after my father died, I was back at work in an all-day leadership off-site.
I remember staring out the window at the bright blue sky. The beautiful blue color reminded me of a shirt my dad used to always wear. I ran to the bathroom and burst into tears. As I exited the ladies room, one of the men I worked with said to me, “Oh, that upset that our budgets are getting cut?” He laughed and walked away.
Another colleague ran over and knew exactly what was wrong. She squeezed my arm in support and walked with me to get a coffee. We walked in silence as she offered me a tissue. We got our coffee and sipped in silence. She asked me if she could do anything for me that day. I said I would like to leave the meeting early. She said she would let my boss know and pass along any notes she took.
Don’t forget to check in with colleagues. After my dad died, some colleagues offered condolences and then avoided me in the hallways, not knowing what else to say. And in retrospect, I don’t blame them. We don’t talk enough about grief in our workplaces or in our communities. When we lose someone we love, we are just at the beginning of our journey to heal, honor, and remember them. Continue to check in with colleagues on how you can help support them, even as the weeks and months pass.
As time went by, I appreciated sharing stories about my dad and what a great inspiration he will always be to me. I still to this day have former coworkers who remember the date that my dad died and text me to say they are thinking of me. Remember, there’s no expiration on grief. It’s all of our jobs to show up for each other in our greatest time of need.
Mita Mallick is a diversity and inclusion leader. Currently, she is the head of inclusion, equity, and impact at Carta.
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